Thursday, December 4, 2008

2008 has been crazy

I miss my mother. Suddenly, unexpectedly, and tragically, my mother passed away at 43, 3 weeks ago to the day. On November 13th, 2008, she met her match to a Pulmonary embolism. This was a woman who flipped her car, broke her neck, and walked out of the hospital 2 days later. WALKED OUT! She had a brain injury March of this year, and although she wasn't the same woman she used to be, she was making dramitic progress and I was terribly proud of her.
I just got married on November 1st and she was so excited, and spared no expensive. She wanted to make sure everything was so perfect, more so than I ever thought she would. It was nice. Who would have thought her and my father giving me away would be the last major life event she would be able to witness?
I am happy that she was able to see my graduate from nursing school. May of this year I graduated. June of this year I officially becamed licensed... in between that time May 25th, to be exact, I feel down the death stairs in my new house and broke my ankle. So for a month I was in the bed. My mother, who was still desperatly try to recovering from her injury, had to help me with every day activities. When she was helping me take a shower, I had to walk her through the steps. I broke my heart to see how she did want to help me, but simply couldn't remember what order to do them in. But that got better, and she was doing so well.
In August I found out I was pregnant. While I have been with my loving husband for 6 years, I was still terribly embarassed about the fact that I became pregnant out of wedlock. After all, my mother taught me better than that. However, when I told my parents the news they were both extremly supportive and when I told them I would feel better about it if we were married, they got right on board.
My mother was so excited to be a grandmother. My old room, that I just moved out of this July, was being designated the new nursery. She had already loaded the room with tons of toys, and books, and bassinet. It is charming to see the preparation she was making. And while I was still concerned about some of her cogntive functioning, I knew she would do fantastic with the baby.
But now I'll never get to see her with Ty. I'll never get to shopping with her for Ty. I'll never haver her call me again 6 times in one day about the same thing, because she just wanted to make sure it got done, couldn't do it herself, and knew that I could and would, if only she pestered me enough.
Its 10:34 on a Thursday night, and while I know I should be getting in the bed, and preparing myself my the start of my workweek tomorrow, I can't help but sit here and feel sorry for myself. It's really not fair. I'm only 22, I really shouldn't have to raise this baby without my mothers help. But come March of 2009, apparently that is what I'm going to have to do, and I just hope I can do it half as well as she did it for me.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

I'm such a loser

I'm in nursing school. Nearly done actually. Just a few more months. I graduate in May. I have 3 more tests. 1 final. A paper to write. Some online tests to do. Finish up my preceptorship next month. And finally, and most importantly, pass the NCLEX. Then I will be a Registered Nurse!

I'm running out of money I am afraid. This is causing a great deal of stress in my life and I can't for the life of me seem to find another job. I'll admit that I'm not looking as hard as I could be, but I don't like the idea of just settling.
I have come to the realization that as an RN I will be highly desirable, but with only 3 months to go I'm not worth crap to anyone apparently. I worked at circuit city for over 4 years before I quit to work for a local hospital. Apparently I was worse worthless to them because they let me know very quickly I was 'not what they were looking for' and that I just "Wasn't cut out to work in the ER.". This was news to me.
I worked my butt off as a tech for a month only to be asked into the office on an unsuspecting afternoon to be told I just wasn't cut out for it. They might has well have told me that I was going to make a horrible nurse and I might as well have dropped out of nursing school right then and there, because that is how it made me feel. This was happened August of last year. I have written multiple letters and made several phone calls begging for a hint as to what made me so undesirable to them and they have decided that they either don't have a reason or that they don't wish to tell me.
I filed for unemployment and was accepted. My notice said I was fired for unsatisfactory job performance but that I was not informed I was performing unsatisfactorily or that it was going to make me loose my job.
I think about this at least once a day or more. Once a day for the past 6 months. My employment has ran out. I've got 3 months till I'm a FREAKING NURSE and no one will hire me.
I must be the biggest jerk ever. I don't know what specifically I've done to be considered so undesirable but it's killing me. I hate this. I want to work. I feel so worthless. I feel useless. And I'm pissed off!