Thursday, December 4, 2008

2008 has been crazy

I miss my mother. Suddenly, unexpectedly, and tragically, my mother passed away at 43, 3 weeks ago to the day. On November 13th, 2008, she met her match to a Pulmonary embolism. This was a woman who flipped her car, broke her neck, and walked out of the hospital 2 days later. WALKED OUT! She had a brain injury March of this year, and although she wasn't the same woman she used to be, she was making dramitic progress and I was terribly proud of her.
I just got married on November 1st and she was so excited, and spared no expensive. She wanted to make sure everything was so perfect, more so than I ever thought she would. It was nice. Who would have thought her and my father giving me away would be the last major life event she would be able to witness?
I am happy that she was able to see my graduate from nursing school. May of this year I graduated. June of this year I officially becamed licensed... in between that time May 25th, to be exact, I feel down the death stairs in my new house and broke my ankle. So for a month I was in the bed. My mother, who was still desperatly try to recovering from her injury, had to help me with every day activities. When she was helping me take a shower, I had to walk her through the steps. I broke my heart to see how she did want to help me, but simply couldn't remember what order to do them in. But that got better, and she was doing so well.
In August I found out I was pregnant. While I have been with my loving husband for 6 years, I was still terribly embarassed about the fact that I became pregnant out of wedlock. After all, my mother taught me better than that. However, when I told my parents the news they were both extremly supportive and when I told them I would feel better about it if we were married, they got right on board.
My mother was so excited to be a grandmother. My old room, that I just moved out of this July, was being designated the new nursery. She had already loaded the room with tons of toys, and books, and bassinet. It is charming to see the preparation she was making. And while I was still concerned about some of her cogntive functioning, I knew she would do fantastic with the baby.
But now I'll never get to see her with Ty. I'll never get to shopping with her for Ty. I'll never haver her call me again 6 times in one day about the same thing, because she just wanted to make sure it got done, couldn't do it herself, and knew that I could and would, if only she pestered me enough.
Its 10:34 on a Thursday night, and while I know I should be getting in the bed, and preparing myself my the start of my workweek tomorrow, I can't help but sit here and feel sorry for myself. It's really not fair. I'm only 22, I really shouldn't have to raise this baby without my mothers help. But come March of 2009, apparently that is what I'm going to have to do, and I just hope I can do it half as well as she did it for me.

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